Ever noticed that men and women communicate in different ways?
If you desire to have an easier time in relationship, one of the tools is to communicate with your lover, or Enjoyable Other, the way they like to communicate. There are different styles of communication for men and for women and neither one is right or wrong. Just using this one tool will make a huge difference in your relationship.
A man’s style of communication is usually quite di- rect. He might say things like, ‘Let’s do this, this, this, this, this.’
Whereas someone who communicates like a woman generally has to talk things out and share how they feel. This is not something only women do; I definitely know some men who communicate like this also.
To give you an example from the business world, when I deal with people who function more like a man, I know we can get down to brass tacks straight away. So I will say to them, ‘Will this work? Okay, let’s do this; let’s change this.’ In business, I definitely communicate more like a man would and we get through things pretty fast.
Then there are other people with whom I deal who have to talk things out more. When I am in a meet- ing with them, I will start with small talk and allow them to have their say. Usually, something that could be done in 10 minutes, may take at least an hour and I have learned to be in allowance of them. This is not about judging your partner or your work mates. Use this information to gain awareness of how somebody likes to communicate, so you have more clarity and ease of communication in all your relationships, not just your intimate ones.
NEVER SHARE WITH YOUR MAN
One of the myths we are told is that for a relationship to be strong, you need to be open with each other and communicate everything. This usually means you need to give someone your point of view and they need to give you theirs. That is a one-way street; it is not communication.
If you are willing to look at your girlfriend, lover or wife from the perspective of, ‘What can this per- son hear and what can this person receive?’ — then you will communicate very differently with them. Before you open your mouth to say anything, al- ways ask yourself: what can they hear? Never, ever, tell someone what they cannot hear. If you do, they have to fight you in order to defend themselves.
Another big point to remember with your gentle- man, or with your lady, is do not help them unless they ask for it. As soon as you go to help someone, you have already assumed that you know better and you are superior. If you do that to a man, he will, of necessity, put up walls and barriers to you and not listen to what you have to say.
Ladies, when communicating with your man, ask them questions to get their perspective on things. Literally ask your man, ‘What’s your point of view about this? How do you see this working?’ You will start to get clear on how he functions, what he wants to create in life and how you could contribute to that.
Years and years ago when I didn’t work because I hated being a tiler, I would come up with different ideas for things I could do with my life. Simone, being the absolute bulldozer and creative queen that she is, would jump in with all these magnificent suggestions. She can extrapolate more from an idea in 10 minutes than most people can in a whole year. This was overwhelming for me, or so I decided at the time. That is when Gary said to her, ‘You need to not help him unless he asks.’
When you try to help someone without being asked, they will resist it, which is what I did. So, wait and when you know you can contribute to the other person, do so from a space of invitation. The number of different things that Simone has invited me to do is awesome. She always does it from a space of invitation, not from expectation.
If you really want to give your man some information, look at how you could say it in a way that he can receive it. What question could you ask? What comment could you make? What is going to work?
It might be that you have sex first, after which you have his full attention for about 10 minutes and that is the moment to get whatever you want! That is the joy and fun of manipulation in relationships and if you are willing to have that, everything would be so much easier. What if relationship was fun and not such a depressing thing that is created to t into this reality?
MEN DON’T WANT TO TALK THINGS OUT
One of the annoying ideas about relationship, that has been perpetrated on us, is that we need to share everything with each other. Ladies, if you have been out shopping, do not come home and expect to share with your partner. That is not what he is there for. Men do not want to sit around and hear you talk about shoes. It doesn’t work for them.
When I want to share something, I will find a girlfriend or a man who enjoys being a girl. Yes, they are out there!
Men don’t like sharing. Men require space. There are moments in life when your partner may want to be angry or frustrated. Let him enjoy it. If Brendon is being cranky, I don’t ask, ‘What did I do? Is it me?’ which can be frustrating to a man. I may say, ‘Is there anything I can contribute?’ which then gives him the choice to say yes or no.
Some men might want to sit in front of the TV for a while or read a book while they process things. I have a friend who likes to play video games. Please don’t get cranky at your partner for doing things like that. If he doesn’t want to talk it out, don’t make him.
Chapter 16 Tools
- If you desire an easier time in relationship, communicate with your Enjoyable Other in the way they like to communicate. Are they direct or do they like to talk things out?
- When you want to give your man some information, look at how you could say it in a way that he can receive it. What question could you ask? What comment could you make? It might be that you have sex first, after which you have his full attention for about 10 minutes!
‘There are moments in life when your partner may want to be angry or frustrated. Let him enjoy it.’
This article is an adapted excerpt from Brendon Watts’ and Simone Milasas’ book, Relationship, Are You Sure Want One?
Simone Milasas is an international speaker and author of Relationship, Do You Want One?, Joy of Business, and Getting Out of Debt Joyfully. She is an acclaimed business and life mentor, and travels the world facilitating seminars with Access Consciousness. A lady who knows how to be a woman, Simone revels in the joy of future opportunity, and knows that the prospect of possibility resides in every choice you make. You can find Simone every week on her podcast, The Art & Industry of Business. Follow Simone.
Brendon Watt is a successful CFO of Access Consciousness Australia, an International Speaker and facilitator of Conscious Parenting classes worldwide. Drawing upon his transformation from a struggling tradesman and single dad to a global speaker and CFO, Brendon facilitates classes and workshops all over the world, empowering others to know they are not wrong, that anything is possible and that they are only one choice away from change. Find more at www.brendonwatt.com. Follow Brendon.